Have you ever found yourself at a crossroad in your life? The Tibetans have the juicest word for this. They call it, 'Bardo' which can be interpreted to mean 'an inbetween-state'. I used to hate being in Bardo, when you were neither quite here or quite there. It's like being suspended in limbo without any anchor or sense of stability in who you are. Since becoming a Buddhist however, I've come to really appreciate these moments of Bardo. They are precious pockets of space that open up in my life and offer me the chance to be momentarily free of Ego and identity - that is, if I choose to take advantage of it.
Since finishing work, I'm in a Bardo of sorts. I've worked full-time for over 8 years and but now, that chapter of my career-focused life has passed. And while I'm in the last few weeks of my pregnancy, the days still feel endless as I await the next chapter of my life as a full-time Mum. Looking back, I don't think I've had this much time on my hands since I last completed a Chenrezig Nyung Na retreat.
Yet I'm acutely aware that this time is impermanent and won't last forever. It's entirely up to me how I choose to spend it. If I'm not careful, I'll idle away all these precious hours in anticipation of birthing the baby but what good will that do? I know deep down, it's better to accept each day as it comes and use it to practice mindfulness. After all, it's a resource I'll be in desperate need of when the sleepless nights & crying Baby Dragon arrives.
It's not easy to be present. Boredom often visits and I have to be careful not to run to the next distraction, the next chore, the next sensory-overload. I've settled into a new routine of waking in appreciation of the new day, sending Craig off to work, then visiting my meditation room. Each morning, Baby and I greet the Buddha Good Morning. We sit for 10, 30 or 50mins and together, we discover what my mind is like that day. Sometimes, it's very restless with the thought of all the jobs it would like to do - so much so that it borders on anxiety. Other days it's blissfully content and at peace, a ripe ground for meditative reflection. Then there are also the neutral days, the lazy days, the over-excited days. Yet no matter what my state of mind, I've committed to sitting for at least 10mins to get in touch with my mind.
I try to eat my breakfast mindfully though it's tempting to rush head-first into the next task of the day. Never the less, I persist and think of my Teachers, the kindess of Sentient Beings and also their suffering. I've come to really enjoy this gentle entry into the day's activities. I'm catching up on all those neglected Dharma books that are long overdue for reading. I've also made food charity to the ants, birds and insects. I've offered a bath to the blessed Tsa-Tsa of Tara on my altar to clear away obstacles for the birth. I've walked mindfully, meditated with Chenrezig and on 'Om Mani Padme Hum'. I've studied Shantideva's Guide to the Bodhisattva Way of Life, especially focusing on the chapter on Patience.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not some perfect Buddhist here. These amazing Dharma activities have also been mingled with catching up on the news, watching DVDs from Blockbuster, cleaning the house, taking naps, doing mindful yoga and reading in preparation for labour. I've long learnt that Dharma is best practiced when balanced with gentle worldly activities done mindfully. You could even say I'm having a very laid-back retreat of sorts!
Although it might feel like forever before I go into labour and give birth, I know that these last few days of my pregnancy will be over in the blink-of-an-eye. If I don't make the conscious effort to be present, I can't experience the last few days of my pregnancy and everything that it offers. So for now, I enjoy the quietness of being with the Baby & the Buddha, before the next Bardo arrives. After all, who knows what today with bring?
Yours truly,
Demi.
