During the last few weeks, my body has been noticeably changing as my pregnancy progresses. It's no longer something I need to tell others about. My growing bump and waddling gait is an unmistakable sign - "Look out, pregnant woman in our midst!" I've been told that I'm "blooming". It's a nice romantic thought but to be honest, I feel anything but "blooming". At times, I feel downright overwhelmed and ask myself, what exactly have I gotten myself into?
Through all the ups & downs, I'm so very grateful for Buddha's teachings to support me. For starters, the truth of Suffering is really hitting home. Take for example, The Suffering of Suffering. I've made some new friends. They're called: Right Upper Back Pain, Right Frontal Rib Pain & of course, Mr. Headache. They've replaced my mates, Fatique & Nausea (made during the first trimester) and like my old mates, drop in just as frequently say "Boo!".
Yet despite the aches, pain & downright inconvenience, I am reminded that a human body is not a perfect thing. In fact, compared to many of my patients in hospital, I have it relatively easy. I only experience the pain every now and then and despite their intensity, they are mostly impermanently. They drop in, they make my life uncomfortable, but give them a day or so and they leave again. It has also been a great opportunity to work with tong-len (the Taking & Giving Meditation practice) and to share in the universal experience that is suffering. I remember that not only did my amazing Mum do this (gasp!) 6 times, but this is an experience all mothers, human & animal alike, go through. And just think, Elephants are pregnant for 2 years! My 9 months pales in comparison.
The other interesting side of suffering is The Suffering Change. I'm not exactly "at home" with my changing body. I find it disconcerting at times to see my growing belly. It doesn't quite match up to the picture I have in my head of who I am. Where exactly did independent & young Demi go? I feel like my body has become something altogether alien and not only do I have trouble recognising it, but it's also spawning another human being. This really hits home when I look at ultrasound images of my baby, who also resembles something of an alien. Sure it has a face, two arms & two legs... but this foreign person is growing inside of my body, which is clearly not under my control!
But then again, when exactly was my body ever under my control? Sure it's been playing along quite nicely for the last 8 years or so but how quickly I've forgotten the crazy change of puberty, or the countless time I've been sick. And what about the fact that my body pretty much runs itself, replacing cells of its own accord, growing this bone & that hair follicle without me ever consciously directing it to do so? It's been quite competently running its own agenda for quite some time - I just fooled myself into thinking that I was the boss. I'd forgotten that my body is a very nice, but temporary motel. And this motel is currently undergoing some major renovations while another guest joins us!
This all leads very neatly into the last suffering, The All-Pervasive Suffering. Pregnancy has so far afforded me a great opportunity to examine exactly Who I think I am and then ask myself, where exactly is this Demi that I hold so fondly onto? Is she a daughter? A sister or a wife, a woman or a mother-to-be, young or old? The more I look at my experience, the more colourful and blurred the distinctions become. My mind is an amazing canvas for a whole range of experiences, thoughts, emotions & discoveries. The tricky part is trying not to focus on specific parts of the canvas, but to appreciate it as a whole, no matter what the current colour is.
So as my body continues to change and in doing so, my mind reacts with anxiety, hope, fear, uncertainty, etc, etc, I'm doing my best to stay with that experience and embrace it for what it is. Yes, it is impermanent. Yes, it is also at times, very uncomfortable and easy to become lost. But being a Mother to my baby, means being able to come home to suffering in all its forms. Pregnancy is the new training ground for endurance. If I can learn to abide in these feelings of unpleasantness, then maybe one day, I can also be there to bear witness when those precious beings around me, face their own challenges & hardships. To me, being a Bodhisattva doesn't mean that we should weigh ourselves down with armor so that we're protected from the harshness of the world. To me, being a Bodhisattva is about being brave enough to relinquish my emotional & karmic baggage, so I walk with clarity & openness in the world and support those in need.
So despite everything, I'm very grateful to be pregnant and to be humbled by these amazing changes. I hope my pregnancy continues to help me to identify my strange preconceptions and mistaken ideas, so that I can truly be free to connect with the people around me and the baby within me.
May you all be happy and free of suffering. May all Mothers-to-be and Mothers-that-are, have all the rest & healing that they need.
Yours truly,
Demi.
