Being the eldest of 6 children, I'm no stranger to kids but having said that, helping to look after your siblings is one thing; having another person growing inside you is quite another! Before falling pregnant, I had romantic dreamy ideas about how pregnancy and motherhood would enrich my practice. It would be the perfect motivation to stop me from being lazy. I would make more time to sit and develop the peace & calm so important to nurturing my baby. I would do lots of yoga, eat lots of wonderful healthy food, study for my MRI exam and all this, while working full-time and being the perfect wife!
You probably saw through the ridiculousness of my expectations right away. I'm still in the process of giving up my rose-coloured glasses. Thankfully, Buddhist practice always has a gentle way of grounding me when my fanciful mind runs off with the fairies. My practice is kind, gentle & practical - much like my teachers.
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I've since discovered that pregnancy does indeed enrich my practice - but not quite in the ways I thought it would. For starters, morning sickness and fatigue was a powerful & potent reminder that my body is not under my control. While intellectually, I've always known this, morning sickness brought the message home at a heart level. I have no control over the changing hormones in my body. I have no control over the ebb & rise of energy levels in my body as I share it with my growing child. I've never had any control at all. This body has always been a lovely hotel that will provide me with the means to make the most of this life - but the day will come when both I and my child will have to move on. This was a powerful refresher - a wonderful and sobering lesson.
As a result of the fatigue, I found it hard to complete even a full week's work. Surviving the 8 hour grind has never felt so hard. I felt guilty that I wasn't 'pulling my weight' at work and was quick to overlook my past 7 years of service to my company. As I faced my guilt, I realised how much I was still investing in my reputation. Work was a means of enforcing who I thought I was. My pregnancy gives me a precious opportunity to examine my current relationship to work. Why is it so important that I not be seen as a "handicap" or a "burden". It was inextricably linked into the eight worldly concerns. I liked to be seen as invaluable & useful. It helped to verify my sense of 'self' while anything else felt like a threat to my 'self'. Even after six years of practicing Buddhism, so much of what I did was still tied into this 'self' or 'I'. Its certainly an eye-opener and a strong reminder that I still have a lot of practice to do.
And what about my sitting practice? Well as the weeks went by, I fell back on the most important tool I have in my Buddhist Toolkit: the practice of gentleness. With loving-kindness towards myself and my baby, I take each day as it comes. There are days when it's easy to get to the cushion. On these days when my energy levels are great, I make the time to sit for 20 - 40 mins, depending on how my body & mind are coping. Sitting formally on the cushion helps me to dissolve all my unrealistic expectations into the peacefulness of just being present. I really enjoy working with my mind and doing my very best to develop my good qualities in preparation for the day ahead. It also makes surviving the bad days easier.
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Oh yes, there are certainly 'bad' days. There are days when I can barely motivate myself to get out of the bed, let alone get to the cushion. On these days, the energy for yoga evaporates. My hopes of eating well for the baby are dashed by nausea, which seems best curbed by either fruit such as grapes or when all else fails, lemonade cordial and salty potato chips. I factored neither of these into my 'healthy diet' for the baby. But for some bizarre reason, this is what my body needs to get itself through that morning sickness! And to top it off, I look into my reflection in the mirror and see the new zits that have manifested due to my changing hormones. On bad days like these, I'm reminded of the limits of my joyous effort and patience.
And that's when I must practice the hardest. When I don't reach my goals or when I feel like I've fallen short, I do my best to practice gentleness, kindness & compassion towards myself. I remind myself that when my child experiences his or her darkest moment (which is inevitable), I must be able to provide these attitudes of unconditional love instead of any harshness, unrealistic expectations or criticism. And I can't offer this to my baby, until I first learn to offer it to myself. On the difficult days, I set aside all my expectations and make-do with the simple things. I take in a breath of fresh air for both baby & me. I make offerings and refuge prayers for us. I write a page of sutra. And the rest of the day, I settle for doing the best I can.
Pregnancy is indeed enriching my practice. It is doing so in a practical and down-to-earth manner. It is preparing me for motherhood, not just for this sentient being growing inside me, but hopefully for all sentient beings. Just as I can learn to love the stranger growing within me, may I learn to love all the strangers who make up my everyday life.
Yours truly,
Demi.
