I still have very little time to formally sit and meditate. Every now and then, I squeeze in a 10min here and if I'm really lucky, a 30min there but more often than not, I go for several days where I don't make it to the cushion. I feel guilty that I don't make it to my cushion. Pre-baby, it was already hard work to get to the cushion consistently. Post-baby, I'm often exhausted physically and mentally by the dredging of old & new kleshas (disturbing states of mind). I do my best to practice daily mindfulness but my mind can get very wild and I'm easily overwhelmed. It's both disheartening and humbling to see my mind this way. More than ever, I'm reminded that I've still got a lot of work to do in terms of cleaning up my mind. I'm beginning to realise more and more that Motherhood is a kind of retreat in itself and as with all retreats, there comes a time when all the muck gets stirred and you have no other option but to sift through it. And boy, is there a lot of mud!
I have to work to practice loving-kindness towards my husband because I often resent our different roles. I often feel like my world has completely turned upside-down while his only changed just a little. While he goes to work, I have to stay at home with my relentless Zen Master. I try to carve out time for myself in some desperate attempt to get back in touch with a 'Me' that I'm comfortable with. You see, I feel very out-of-place in my new role as a Mum. I'm still digesting that my Zen Master is utterly dependent on me, so much so that his needs must always come before mine. This is a natural stretching of my heart and there are days when it occurs with ease and also many days when it doesn't. I sometimes resist this stretching, even though I know it's what's needed to improve my capacity to love. Yet for that to occur, I have to let go of putting myself first. I have to let go of tending to my ego so I can completely and sincerely care for those around me. And it begins with my son.
Let Go. This is my new mantra. Let Go into my son's daily afternoon tears & tantrums, the kind where he's tired but just isn't ready to go to sleep. Let Go into my inability to pick up Dharma books because right now, my practice isn't ready to accumulate more knowledge but to instead, work first-hand with my state of mind, whether it be despair, frustration, anxiety, or weariness. Let Go into the reality that right now, Ethan doesn't want his Dad. He wants to nurse from me, even though I'm tired of caring for him all day. Let Go and face the fact that I cringe when I sometimes see Dharma quotes because instead of inspiring me, my Ego often uses them as a means to judge how poor I've perfomed as a "Buddhist".
Please, don't get me wrong. Motherhood isn't all doom and gloom! I love Ethan and we have plenty of daily laughs together. I marvel at how fast he's learnt to use his hands and how persistent he is at practicing his new-found extremeties. I love how he always has a huge smile for Mum, Dad and even strangers, even treating us with squeals of excitement. For my little Zen Master, every moment is fresh and new: he is the best reminder ever of how wonderful it is to be mindful. And his enthusiasm for discovery is contagious. All this is best enjoyed when I release myself from my agendas & my ridiculous Must-Do List. We're learning together that great moments don't always require the serenity I associate with peacefulness. Great moments can happen anywhere, even somewhere as ordinary as my lounge room.
So I'm slowly untangling myself from my pride & my ego. My practice is becoming more down-to-earth as it becomes interwoven with caring for my son, my husband and last but not least, myself. I think this is the kind of sincere practice that would make Buddha smile. We'll see.
May you all be happ & well, free of suffering. May we all become Enlightened!
